One high point would definitely be taking a family walk on Singing Beach in Manchester by the Sea. It wasn't exactly "beach weather" and the beach was actually a little flooded, but it was so wonderful. On our walk, we ran into an older couple with a daughter who was probably in her late 20's. We were sitting next to them on two benches overlooking the ocean, and they had asked about Ellie and how old she was. Then, they pointed across the beach at their daughter, who was walking barefoot in the sand about a hundred yards away, and said "There's our baby right there." Wow.
And then there are the low points. Like the 2 1/2 hour crying marathon in the middle of the night (which happened night before last) or the crying episodes during the day, when we feel completely helpless. Dealing with a desire to breastfeed, but feeling defeated because it's just not working and we're mostly giving her breast milk from a bottle. I am learning a lot about the way I make control and routine little gods in my life and feel out of sync without them (wait, I thought Nick was the Type A one?!). Again and again, realizing that my time is no longer really mine and laying that down.
Before we got married, someone told me that with marriage the joys and highs increase all the more, but so can the lows and the pain. They are intermingled and you almost can't have one without the other. This is true with Ellie as well, and taken to a deeper level as Nick and I become a family of three. We adore our daughter and we are so over-and-over grateful...I hope you don't hear otherwise! But it is not always easy and I am both overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time. I didn't want to fool anyone by posting cute pictures all the time. :) But maybe you weren't fooled anyway?
I SO appreciate your honesty... and just those experiences and feeling do NOT mean you don't appreciate your little one, the great joy it brings, etc etc... thats just real life in a real and broken world.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! So glad u guys got to enjoy some time together at the beach :o)
Your honesty is so refreshing~ thank you! It is the most wonderful, but also most exhausting job- so many emotions. It will get easier... Hang in there. I know you and Nick are the most amazing parents to precious Ellie. So wish we were closer so that I could see you 3. I am praying for you and for her eating and sleeping...I know it is so tiring trying to figure it all out. I am so glad y'all got out and went to the beach, loved that story;) love you-- call me anytime!! Give Ellie a kiss from me and Sam!!
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